Sorry Mum.
SATISFYER PRO 2 CLITORAL STIMULATOR:
SCIENTIFIC NAME (Latin):
- “Clitty Sucky McClit Face”
PROS:
- A gift for clitorises everywhere.
- Can give you the sort of rare orgasms that will make universes expand within your own mind. No? Nothing? Okay.
- Smooth, silicone nozzle that cups the clitoris and surrounds it with lots of fluttery, oral-like vibration action.
- Buildable pleasure with 11 different speed modes (none of which will make you go numb).
- Sleek design and easy to hold, including the most user-friendly controls out of any sex toy I’ve used. Seriously, why does anyone need more than two buttons?
- USB rechargeable.
- Low maintenance, super easy to clean between uses.
CONS:
- Don’t you talk that way about my wife.
- Starts at a low intensity but can easily be adjusted. Once you’re accustomed to clitoral stimulation toys, you’ll probably want to bump it up sooner, but some toys don’t offer gentler speeds in the first place. Hardly a con.
- Better for individual use, rather than with a partner. Not that clitoral stimulators can’t be great during sex, but it is arguably easier to use this on yourself, rather than someone else. You can massage it the way you like and instinctively adjust the settings to maximise pleasure for longer. Using this toy with a partner might feel like having a depressing threesome- you’ll just end up lying next to them awkwardly, waiting for it to be over, while they have a lovely orgasm without your input.
- That being said, you’ll probably want to put it on your partner anyway- just so you can see them get the same joy out of it.
- Makes it difficult to want to tolerate a man’s shit, when you know you have a perfectly good time waiting for you at home in your underwear drawer.
RECOMMENDED USE:
- Personal play (especially for those who want to experience fulfilling orgasms solo).
- Great for beginners or anyone with a vagina.
RANKING:
- God tier.
DESIRE LUXURY RABBIT VIBRATOR:
SCIENTIFIC NAME (Latin):
• “Sir Maximus Buzz-a-Lot”
PROS:
• Aesthetically beautiful phallic object.
• Made from soft, silky silicone that feels too nice to go near actual human genitals.
• Comes in excellent storage case (good for privacy and keeping sensitive toy away from dust and bacteria).
• In theory, this should be the bisexual fantasy- clit and peen action in one? How simply thrilling.
• High intensity vibration.
CONS:
• What the fuck is a “blended orgasm”? Am I being sold a lie?
• THE CONTROLS, my god. It’s difficult to enjoy this toy when you’re constantly being pulled out of the moment by trying to operate the needlessly complicated controls.
• When you turn it on, the toy immediately starts on an intense mid-to-high speed, so woah there cowboy, you instinctively try to turn it down. But THERE IS NO SLOWER SPEED. If you keep pressing the minus button, it just turns the whole toy off, so you’ll inevitably need to start navigation all over again.
• You can make the rabbit and dildo parts of the toy vibrate separately or together, but the overall shape means it’s difficult to use one part without the other. Just make both parts vibrate with more speed options and be done with it.
• While the intensity is impressive, it will make you feel like a cartoon character operating a jackhammer. The whole object vibrates when it’s on and will inevitably make your hands and legs go all jittery.
• Waterproof, but too terrified to take it into the bath, in case the high tremors cause a miniature tsunami and I’m never seen again.
RECOMMENDED USE:
• To use in conjunction with other sex toys or during sex. The intensity and shape means that it is difficult to initially use on its own (you will need to already be suitably turned on beforehand to allow penetrative use).
• Definitely use with water-based lube.
• For experienced users or those who already know they enjoy rabbit-style toys (not for beginners).
RANKING:
• Novelty luxury item that will probably sit at the bottom of your wardrobe until the day you’re in a weird mood.
LOVEHONEY CLASSIC MAGIC WAND VIBRATOR:
SCIENTIFIC NAME (Latin):
- “Wingardium Levios-ahhhhhhhh” (not my best)
PROS:
- Great versatile toy to use with partners of any gender. Can be used for massage purposes, as well as on your respective genitals.
- Large wand allows for pleasure over a wider area (as opposed to a more focussed sensation like a clitoral stimulator or bullet vibrator).
- Didn’t realise until using, but the ribbed purple section (see picture) actually serves the purpose of allowing the head of the toy to move and be flexible as required- extra nifty points.
- Essentially, this is just a wand of pure vibration, so you’ll know whether that sounds good to you or not. It doesn’t have the option of different rhythms or patterns like other toys, but the vibrations are so strong, you can kind of create your own. You can still feel them when the toy isn’t directly touching you, so it can be used in less intense ways, if desired.
- I ended picking this toy up more times than expected- not necessarily for the purpose of having a sure-fire orgasm every time, but for the enjoyment of experimentation. It really does fulfill the notion of being a toy, because there’s a sense of play involved in trying to create different sensations, both sexy and relaxing.
CONS:
- Initially, I assumed that anything with a power cord (even if it’s long) would immediately give the sensation that you’re operating something unsexy, like a microwave or a vacuum cleaner. But plugging the wand into the wall actually means that it has endless power and doesn’t require constant charging/battery changes like other toys. So guess you could say that the cord and I have reached an understanding.
- However, as a side effect of having endless power, the handle of the wand does get warm during use. It’s not bad, just a little unnerving for an electronic device that may or may not be going near your private parts.
- Not the quietest, especially on higher speeds. If you have housemates, they’ll probably think you’ve taken up advanced dentistry in your spare time.
RECOMMENDED USE:
- When you’re in the mood for playful, sexy fun.
- To use with a partner of any gender for either sensual or relaxing purposes (or both).
RANKING:
- Wonderfully versatile babe to have in your collection.
END OF LIST (BECAUSE WHICH KIND OF PSYCHO CAN AFFORD MORE SEX TOYS THAN THIS DURING A PANDEMIC)
Go forth and prosper, my wonderfully horny angels. Sex toys are fun. Life is great.
Love Eve X
Note: Just to give you a heads-up, all products mentioned above were purchased with my own money from Lovehoney.com, which I’d highly recommend. They have some of the quickest, most effective shipping I’ve ever used, even during a pandemic, and their customer service is consistently excellent. There’s regular sales and discounts, plus 20% off for students (which is helpful, given how expensive sex toys can be). Not sponsored, because who would ever sponsor this (lol).
Calamity Eve 